Reading Journal: Castration and Masculinity

Castration and Masculinity

While reading the Body, I was able to find a very interesting part. It was a part when Gordie finds leeches on his testicles and has his blood sucked. What makes it more interesting is Gordie’s reaction to this phenomenon.

“I can’t get it off,” I said through numb lips. “You….can you…” But he backed away, shaking his head, his mouth twisted. “I can’t Gordie,” He said, unable to take his eyes away. “I’m sorry but I can’t. No. Oh. No.” He turned away, bowed with one hand pressed to his midsection like the butler in a musical comedy, and was sick in a stand of juniper bushes.

You got to hold on to yourself, I thought, looking at the leech that hung off me like a crazy beard. Its body was visibly swelling. You got to hold onto yourself and get him. Be tough. It’s the last one. The. Last. One.

I reached down and picked it off and it burst between my fingers. My own blood ran across my palm and inner wrist in a warm blood. I began to cry.

This would be the single death that actually occurs throughout the whole novel. No death was depicted with such in-depth description. Gordie temporarily faces death of his masculinity. While other boys smoked, swore, fought over petty things to look masculine and macho, Gordie faces a direct threat upon his penis.

There are two things to be noted from this passage. (1) Gordie’s attitude (2) relationship with feministic values.

(1) Gordie’s Attitude

It is always good to have companions on the trail of life. But what one should also be noted is that he is living his own life. He will live neither another person’s life nor will someone live his life for him. In such sense, this is one of the few times throughout the story that Gordie faces his own problems. Until this time of the story, the boys were all along with each other, solving dilemmas in group. When Gordie is in threat of being castrated (at least in a symbolic sense), he asks for help to Chris, whom he identifies as the group’s leader.

Chris rejects to help, and this indicates that Gordie should solve his problems alone. This is the biggest threat ever and no one but Gordie himself can help it. After a short dilemma, Gordie does succeed in taking off the leech from his testicles, and faints right after. This can be considered as a partial victory against the great threat.

(2) Relationship with feministic values

However, it also means that he have partially lost against his threat. The fact that Gordis faints is an indicator of a temporary death. What does this symbolize?

Castration is one of the biggest fears that all men possess subconsciously, no doubt. But going directly against it and fighting it off is a different issue. Only a few men can do it. Only when a man wins over his inmost fear is when he can resurrect and achieve true masculinity.

In such sense, Gordie’s experience is very similar to that of Perseus. Perseus is a plain country boy until he slays Medusa*. Medusa is the symbol of vagina dentata (fanged vagina)**, which is castration of manly figures. Hence its direct meaning, fanged vagina, it is an indication of castration. Because Perseus dares not look directly at the fear of castration, his victory is incomplete. Still, he slays the monster and becomes a hero. Gordie did not overcome his fear completely. He faints, which means that he couldn’t endure the terror of being castrated. But just like Perseus, he achieves a partial victory of winning over it himself, without the help of anybody else.

And there is another issue to consider.

That the leech had sucked blood from his testicles can be interpreted as a partial castration. Although Gordie stopped the castration, it was in process. Blood, red and vivacious liquid spilt out from his penis. This must mean that he has lost some form of masculinity that he has strived so much along with his group of friends.

But is this a negative influence in the journey for maturity? I believe not. In contrast, I think that it was a necessary process for Gordie to restrain from being an excessive macho. From the beginning of the novella, the boys try to imitate macho behaviors, such as swearing, smoking and fighting. Although such traits are far from true maturity, they think that it is “boss” and continue doing so. Gordie was also a part of such activities.

Just before this incident, Gordie encounters a deer just by himself. Although he notices that it is a feminine figure, he appreciates it. If he was along with other boys, he might have said it was “pussy-like”, or maybe shot down it with a handgun. However, he is astonished by the deer and exclaims at the beauty of it. This shows that Gordie has some feministic traits within himself. Only the partial castration made the revelation of such traits possible. No more bluffing, no more super-macho, but balanced individual with mature traits.

* Medusa is very often depicted as  a hardship that heros must pass through. However, unlike other normal mosters, it is often compared to femme fatales, or dangerous female figures. It also represents a dangerous women's sexual organ, depite its wavy hair and fangs. Its monstrous ability of leering is also a trait that contributes to the stocked metaphor.

**If you're more interested in the concept of vagina dentata, you can see this movie. It's r-rated, but still inspirational. Gives a lot of things to think over about. This movie also gives an analysis of Perseus and the overcoming by the hero. However, instead of having the perspective of the hero, this movie focuses on the women's point of view towards the villians, clearly different from heros like Perseus. It is said that the idea is rooted from Greek Mythology and Freud. Psychology wizards might be interested, so good luckㅋㅋㅋ

To Anonymous: Sorry I don't have the file. 
But I think I would be able to answer to your second question.
The idea of exaggerated masculinity can be thought as the imaginary world that Gordie possess(concept of Phallus, or the Penis). He does not think he is a "macho-man", but he seeks to achieve that ideal ego, and the internal evidence is his swearing. However, just like Hamlet when he is pierced by his rival, he gets his blood sucked off his testicles. This is very important. It means the castration of the Phallus, meaning that Gordie has succeeded to differentiate the desire of "the others" and "I". By this stage, he proceeds onto the Symbolic World. After doing so, he would be able to see himself and continue his life-thus advance in life- into the real world, not imaginary.

Reading Journal-Shawshank

How should institutionalization be done?

The Shawshank Redemption depicts how institutionalization is wrongfully done, but I had a different question in mind. What are prisons, and how should it function? When is its efficiency best shown? What rules must be made not to turn into another Shawshank? Thus, I was interested on how prison should change in the Shawshank Redemption.

The concept of prison changed throughout time. In the past, prison was a place to confine the convicted temporarily before the punishment. The punishment was a social retaliation, and was the axis of the judicial system. As time passed on, the concept of prison changed. Instead of an aid for the punishment, it became the axis of the system itself. It was the change in discourse that led to such changes. Instead of unexpected, pretentious and temporary corporeal punishments, the society needed more minuscule, expectable system. Such discourse brought out the concept of rehabilitation, and the concept called for enhancement of confinement facilities.

Discussing how the concept of rehab is fraud and folly is interesting, but I’m not going to talk about that in this piece of writing. Instead, I’m going to talk about how the prison in Shawshank should change if it wants to function better than now. To do so, I will be asking few questions leading to the improvement of prisons.

(1) How did prisons become the core of our system?

Jails are very specific form of loss in freedom of transportation. But why did it become so stressed? We have to note the fact that jails were a great fad starting from the 18^th century France. 18^th century was the time when the discourse of rights, especially freedom of individuals was developing. Before, punishment was on a universal theme of body and pain, but as rights and freedom were perceived as a human condition, the punishments begin to shift towards in such way.

Confinement was better than corporeal punishment. It could be applied to every single individual who went against the social morals, and could be measured. Pain cannot be measured, but days in confinement can. Not only that, corporeal punishment is often subjective and unreliable. It is the human who takes a major role in the ritual, which makes it incomplete and subjected to criticism if something went wrong. For prisons, it is the system and the prison walls that do such roles. The punishment is rather mild and unrecognized, making it immune to criticisms.

Confinement is more efficient and economical. That is how it became core of our system. Especially when it targets a universally important component of individual called liberty, it definitely is.

à In such means, Shawshank is not an ideal form of prison. It is not economical and not efficient. It is playing an active role in the punishment of crime, which makes it inconsistent with other prisons. Prisons should be giving exactly what the judicial system has ordered them to do. Using sisters or solitary confinements as an extra punishment is not helpful for its existence. It is the human that makes decisions, which is not reliable. Also, the guards using violence is not preferable. It makes the system vulnerable to the social morals. Punishment is best done when justified. Justification is the most powerful tool of elongating the existence of judicial system.

(2) What are prisons?

Prisons are a concrete form of complete and powerful system. It is a system that surrounds the captivated in as many aspects as possible. It should be a system of physical training, correction by labor, daily life and personality. It is a school that produces obedient individuals. It is a factory that manufactures credible products for the community. It is an army for the community to use against the moral depravity.

Above all, prisons have greatest authority upon schools and workplaces. Its great authority and successive influence differentiates it from other facilities. For students, they have homes that represent the life-world. They have the potential of rejecting the influence from the system-world of schools. However, the convicted has no life-world to escape into. Its eating, sleeping, learning, working is all controlled by one entity: the government. Because the power controls its time and space, it can and should employ all methods available to accomplish its goals.

à The Shawshank shows once again on how the authorities are failing to take advantage of the system. It gives the prisoners too much free time to have life world of their own. It enables the prisoners to have gangs of their own. Prisoners should be abandoned from any form of life-world. The moment they have a life-world on their own, it would mean that the prison is not functioning properly.

(3) How should prison function?

Prison should be completely separated. Not only should they be separated from the outside world, the separation should occur in other various aspects as well. The motive of the crime, such as money, love, and drugs should be excluded in the prison society. The prisoners should not coexist with each other. This is the key point of an efficient prison. If we allow such a thing to happen, we are concentrating the criminal tendency in one space. Also, the exclusion should be done with a clear purpose of rehabilitation. The walls will serve as a mirror; it would make the convicted communicate with no one but himself.

àThis is the biggest point that Shawshank is failing to satisfy. The prison is allowing prisoners make a society. It is evident that a society is a necessary component of criminal activity. Red’s crime happens there, the sister’s crime occurs there. Prisoners should be separated even with themselves.

Reading El Sur: Existence and Essence

El Sur


El Sur: 

           http://azulejo.atspace.com/elsur.html
                                                                                                                                                     


<My Interpretation>

Existence precedes essence. However, it seems challenging for men to claim that they are completely free from various entities. Our instinct for survival restricts our decision; logical reasoning impedes us from doing what our emotion urges us. But still, we live on concurrent with the flow of time, and finally meet our destruction without seeing the true-self. However, Borges’s short story El Sur depicts a special man who breaks the chains and finds himself. While doing so, Borges shows how even this very different man goes through hardships while searching for the true identity.

Juan Dahlmann is a grandson of somebody. He works in a library some place. Nobody knows who exactly he is. One day, he happens to lay his hands on The Thousand and One Nights. Eager to read the book, he rushes up the staircase. Then, something brushes his forehead, and he is injured severely. The light thing that brushes his forehead can be thought as time. Although light and hard to detect, time is always concurrent with the life of men, and makes people drift away passively by it. Juan Dahlmann, just like any other man, does not actively respond to the harm that time has inflicted upon himself. He lies down in a hospital, kneeling before the power of time and others’ will.

This leads to the hatred of oneself. Juan Dahlmann, suffering from pain, becomes to reject his own existence: his body, his identity and even his beard. This is a loss against the fight in becoming a free individual. Juan Dahlmann is captivated by others’ will and bodily pain. This is a major flaw in his character, and can be realized as an obstacle that must be overcome through the story. Instead of realizing his existence by personality and individuality, he acknowledges himself from bodily pain. He again takes a passive position in realizing himself.

 However, Juan Dahlmann is given a chance to overcome his weakness. Just like at the staircase, he feels something light brushing by his forehead. This time, it is breadcrumb thrown by a bunch of workers. Dahlmann refuses to admit something has happened, and runs away from the ordeal. Again, the breadcrumb brushes his forehead. Then the shop owner calls his name and tells him not to fight. This is an important literary device in the story. Before the shop owner called Dahlmann’s name, Dahlmann was nothing but a plain traveler. However, after his name being called at, Dahlmann is a significant individual who can and should make decisions out of his free will. He decides to pick up the knife given to him and fight.

Of course, his instinct would have told him not to fight. By logical reasoning, he would have realized that it would be an unwise decision. Still, Dahlmann picks up the knife anyway because it is his decision to do so. Physical threat and even logic does not impede him from being himself. Unlike last time, Dahlmann actively responds to the inevitable death as a single individual with bursting freedom. Although instinct and reason is essence of men and all animal, men are special, for they have the potential for possessing free will.

Reflective Essay: La Familia

La Familia

“Oh, Godfather, What can I do? The debate contest big shots are giving me nothing. I have no prizes, respect or any kind of reputation! Oh, what can I do, what can I do?”

“You can stop being a pu$$y and act like a MAN! What’s the matter with you? Is this what you turn out to be? A weeping debater who can’t even make it to the breaks? What is this nonsense? Ridiculous. You spend time with La Familia? A man who does not spend time with his family can never be a real man. Come to practices. Prepare more than others. Be proud of La Familia. I want you to be more diligent. And in a month from now, this debate big shots gonna give you what you need.”

“Thank you, Hyungseok. I’d do anything for La Familia and for you, Godfather. ”

When I first watched the movie Mario Puzo’s Godfather, I thought of our school’s English Debating Society. From the structure to close companionship, the two have many similarities. Because EDS has to go to many debate contests and compete with other schools, it is almost always in a combat form.

Let me explain the structure by comparing it to the family tree of Corleone Crime Family. On the top of the family tree, there is the  Godfather, now Naan Cho senior, in succession of Michael Hyungseok Kim. Under the boss, we have the underboss who advises and replaces the boss when the superior is absent. After that, we have several caporegimes that lead smaller sections of the family. Usually, debate teams are composed of three people. So caporegimes, who are usually sophomores who have more experience in debating take lead in team along with two soldiers. Soldiers are freshmen who are inexperienced. 

But there are times when the boss or the underboss cannot take care of each teams. When such times come, the caporegimes or soldiers have to be on themselves. During the first semester, I spent a great portion of time coping with the tough practice schedules of EDS, and watching how Sophomore Michael Hyungseok Kim in 15^th wave successfully lead the family: arrange schedules, undergo conflicts with other clubs, and negotiate with contest managers who are usually arrogant and not cooperative.

But then came summer vacation, and Hyungseok had to go to United States. Since his term had ended with the start of the vacation, we had an absence of leadership. Because he was the captain who did loads of work during his time, we felt some difficulties in arrangements for the Asian Schools Debating Championship that was during the summer vacation.

And the results for our team were pretty disastrous. We didn’t make it to the top 16teams, making it hard to compete in the final rounds. It was first time in my debate career to not make it to the finals, and everyone in our team was depressed.

But then came a call to our team from the committee that we would be able to compete in the finals. They said one team was disqualified, and we were next in charge. The finals were to be started the day after the announcement of the break teams, so we went home happily.

The next day, Seoul was flooded with the downpour of rain that had never occurred during the close 30 years. Everywhere it was flooding; on the road with rain, in the subways with people. But anyhow, we managed to arrive at the conference center where the competition was to be held.

We asked where the debate room was, and the committee told us that we had no debates.

They said there must have been some kind of misunderstanding solely by from our side, and insisted that we should leave immediately or watch others compete. This made me very angry. We came through the downpour of rain, endured biased adjudications, underwent many delays, and this was what the committee gave us.

If it were for other countries, this would not be much of a problem. I would have issued a complaint, the committee would have apologized, and that would be the end of controversies. But we live in Korea. In Korea, most competitions are run by a limited group of people, and those people are usually ones who allocate prizes and evaluate students. Not only that, because committees of various contests are closely related, it is a dangerous thing to object to their decisions or even to their mistakes.

But still, I felt insulted. I had many resentments piling up. I was angry at their arrogant behavior, sloppy arrangements, biased adjudications, and most of all, their attitude. In this case, it was clearly their fault that we had to come through the flood only to do nothing. I wanted compensation, or at least an apology.

The leading caporegime of our team disagreed. She said I might be on their blacklist or at least be recognized as an uncooperative person, and that it would be critical for my future debate career. My freshman teammate thought so as well. Since there was no captain to make a go-ahead, it was up to our team whether to fight over this matter.

If I just let go of this just like other teams, then the same thing would be repeated over and over again. What I wanted-what was most important for me- was a guarantee that no such things would happen ever again. I wanted the committee to respect its guests, or at least our school. So despite all the objections, I made my point to the committee.

Although things didn’t turn out to be so great (in fact, I had to make heated and ugly quarrels with authorities of the competition) nor succeeded in getting concrete compensation, I did win an apology at the end of the day. My cellphone became iron-hot, my throat went hoarse, and maybe I did get on their black list, but I was proud of myself. I felt like crossing the threshold. It was a small incident with a small trouble, but I learned what it was like to represent La Familia and fight for them.

Loss of Wisdom

<Loss of Wisdom: Docile Bodies>

We live in a world of efficiency.

And that efficiency is backed up with diverse sophisticated systems of bureaucracy. Bureaucracy consists of specific procedures that authorities propose, and people follow. Doing so in the field of education brought about two inevitable results: mediocrity and docility of young minds.

Barry Schwartz seems to agree with me. In his lecture “Loss of Wisdom”, he argues of how moral wisdom derived from free-will and experience has disappeared due to the sophisticated procedures that have infiltrated the life-world of people, including children. He suggests an example to show a case when individual decision make better results than the docile one. Hospital janitors have a detailed script of what and how to do their job at which time. But do most experienced janitors follow such process? No, they don’t.  They don’t vacuum the visitor’s lounge when there are worried families all day. They clean some people’s room more than required when the patience were in comatose. After all, procedures can’t make every exceptional cases into a procedure, because the moment something deviates from the rule, then the procedure would be ineffective compared to the individual decisions. What procedure does is keep a "objective" but mediocre standard, but not care and human interactions. Individuals have moral skills to figure out what “doing right” means. The key of his lecture was that planned procedures hinder people from making more reasonable and moral decisions.

Same for public schools. Every modernized nation has a detailed school curriculum that includes what and how to teach and evaluate. The idea to take a minimal standard is fairly ok. It does not allow jeopardizing or too much deviation from the standard. But what most governments seem to do is overdo that. By being specific on what to learn, student’s range of thought can be expected and set by the authorities. But how do they resignate their curriculum? We have austere standardized test and federal/state grants to make schools function in a way they want. This method kills progdigal individuals and replace it with predictable ones.

Through this process, authorities can create a discourse* that they influence and get affected themselves. Discourse is like setting the agenda for a certain group. Standardized schools, standardized tests and standardized teachers make the production of discourse in a very minuscule size. Instead of setting an agenda in a wholesome scale, it is inserting the discourse for every single individual. Then what is the purpose of doing so? Or what is the expected result of setting the agenda for each and every individual?

Irascibly, ,t is making docile bodies**. Although it would be hard to prove that a government had an intention of doing so, and its expected results are such people, it can be inferred that the outcome of these policies are students who are obedient. It is almost frightening to see how juveniles from very young age seem to follow the social norms learned in school. Social norm itself may be regarded as a culture, but if it has an intention or a definite leading outcome, then it should be alerted of. Since it is less tangible, it would be hard to realize, which makes it more dangerous.

Then how are docile bodies made? Barry Schwartz does not elaborate in depth on this point. He just states that bureaucratic procedures make people dumb. But there are other scholars who have expanded the argument on the intention of doing so. Michelle Foucalt, on his book Surveillance and Punishment have explained various methods used to create virulent discourse and eventually docile bodies. Let me introduce the points he have made, and add my interpretations regarding the field of education.

[Space and Docile Bodies]

(1) Closure of Specific Spaces

It is important that the disciplined are located in a secluded area. Such area should be a place that the ruling entity has full control over. Instead of home-schooling or private enterprises (“Hagwons”), the government prefers public school where it owns and makes rules. Middlemen (in the case of schools teachers) can then have a concentrated control over the mass. Locating students in public schools makes them included in the system-world***, which is the juxtaposition**** of life-world*****, meaning an environment that individuals face undistorted communication, which are environments like students’ households.

(2) Preference of Minuscule Units

The first method is not the solution to the randomness or chaos that authorities want to avoid. Even in an enclosure, the mass can still rampage tentatively. Another key point is “how to use the ruling power”. Ruling entities should divide the profusing mass into minuscule parts so that their power is distributed for each part. For schools, all individuals should be given an assigned place to be at all times. This blockades individuals from others, and thus is easier measured, evaluated, controlled and utilized. Since the power is directed towards the individual, not an associate of individuals, the objects of the power function are helpless. Less digressed, more the power.

(3) Assigning Purpose for Each Space

This is the utilizing process of space. The authorities not only use empty rooms to separate individuals, but at best use them. This includes wards or cafeterias. The purpose of each territory is clearly denoted, which enhances efficiency and hinders students from practicing their free will. This is consistent with Ford’s fastidious division of labor. This system belittles individuals and change them into parts of systems.

(4) Ranking within the Utilized Space

The significance of hierarchy is that it differentiates and assigns dissimilar power for each individual. This is evident in schools. Ranking by age, grades and discipline is evident. Most Korean schools use test scores to allocate students in various classes. KMLA is one example too. Dorm rooms and desks are given in the order of GPA. Although the students who are influenced may be aware of this, what they have is a fragmented knowledge. They do not know when and how the knowledge of individuals would be utilized. This creates a panopticon-ic state. The students know that surveillance exists, but they do not know when and how the surveillance would occur, and how the information obtained from it would be used. Thus, students become vulnerable due to the information inequality.

[Tests and Docile Bodies]

Tests serve as determinants in Algebra. It differentiates and ranks individuals. By using measurements for immeasurable beings such as students’ capacity, it makes the objects of the test function believe that capacities are scalable when it is not. It also is a definite way of leading students as authorities want. By making the results influential upon the interests of students, it compels them to have an ego or have similar traits that are preferable for the test-makers. Test records students. It enables authorities to evaluate human beings. Shocking thing. To think about it, how can an individual be evaluated? Test is the most powerful tool that transforms egos into factual cases. Authorities acknowledge about the individuals they rule upon. By doing so, each individuals can be compared as coordinates on a plane. Then we have the mean, or the orthodox standard of an association. Persons can be measured in the sense of how much each of them is deviated from such standards or means. The pivotal result of test is “measurable individuals”. The data is utilized for various purposes, which the people in a passive position only know that such data exists, not knowing when and how it would be used.

This relates to the incongruous bureaucracy that Barry Schwartz is criticizing. It tries to standardize things that cannot be standardized. Bureaucracy makes humans passive. Instead of putting it in an active position, it idolizes efficiency and mechanics. Barry Schwartz seems to state that such passiveness is inefficient.

What Barry Schwartz presents is not much different from the previous analysis. Procedures make people docile, unable to make better decisions. Foucalt’s description only explains the process of doing so.

Review: "열꽃"

“열꽃 Part 1”

I am pretty sure Mr. Garrioch and Namdo would be confused at the title of my post. “열꽃” is a Korean word that beautifully describes an ugly thing. “열” means “heat”, while “꽃” is a word that means “flower”. So the word “열꽃” means “heat-flower”. But there is no such plant called heat-flower. The expression “heat-flower” is used to describe the symptom of measles having red eruptions all over the body. The word is used more frequently to describe the symptoms of measles for babies.

The title of Tablo’s new album is “열꽃”. What can we infer from this title? Maybe it could be a story of Tablo suffering measles. Or maybe his baby daughter is suffering from one. Or maybe he is comparing himself with a baby who is suffering from measles. Maybe he is comparing the sorrow he feels with measles.

<집>

This is the first song of the whole mini-album. The biggest point of the song is the beautifully done metaphor. Tablo compares his sorrows with a house. His song is about how the house he lives in is so comfortable, although it means endless sorrow if he never comes out.

I believe this song portrays the emotions of a person who is depressed for a long time. When I was shocked and depressed because of an incident. The depression went on for a quite a long time. And when it was time that I should be out of it, I was so used to the sorrow. It’s rather hard to explain, but being used to sadness is a rather comfortable thing. Because a sad person tends to be alone, the aloofness becomes a part of him.

The song compares other’s demands as “stack of newspapers and mails in front of the door” and being happy as “taking a short walk outside”. Taking a short walk implies that he would come back soon.

<나쁘다>

“Ones whom I love the most hurt me the most.” People sometimes have to become dark to protect his beloved ones. Similar idea is portrayed in the Godfather Trilogy. But after one turns dark for his beloved, then the beloved ones show disdain.

It is always the kind ones who jump into the abyss for others. They do it to prevent others from taking the same path. Depravity follows sacrifice.

That is why the speaker in the song can’t sleep well. He becomes more and more aggressive or colder to protect others. Love for others become Hamartia for the protagonist of one’ own life. It makes them hypocritical and corrupt, and finally loses their beloved ones. Tablo seems to feel such depravity to protect his family as a young adult.

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”- Friedrich Nietzsche

<밀물>

Is there anything more alike to life like tides? Why resist the current and quarrel with the flood? After all, the world is a small fishbowl. It is meaningless to escape from fishhooks and be relieved.

This song puts a lot of metaphor for the listeners to understand. It never criticizes; it describes. Because the song is sad and melancholy, it is actually more critical than rap songs filled with swear words. It depicts. How we’re all part of the same hypocrisy. How the world teaches us ethics, and the next moment rips our heart. How our dignity is thinner than a single bundle of Benjamins. How promises get broken easily just like pinky fingers. (children use their pinky fingers when they promise, right?)

So let it go. Instead of fighting them, burning in fury, let us inhale and exhale. After a big flame ignites, only ashes remain. Let the world in yourself. Forgive them and yourself as well. Be inundated.

Just drown.

<밑바닥에서>

In English, it would mean Rock Bottom. This reminded me of Eminem’s song with a similar title, Rock Bottom, but the content was clearly different. While Eminem’s Rock Bottom was a young adult enflaming in wrath, disgusted at injustice and poverty, willing to “f- the world”, Tablo’s song is more like an apology to his wife.

Tablo is a graduate of Stanford University, having Master’s Degree on English Literature. This was a great merit for a Korean musician. So he was able to express his talents before a big audience earlier than other musicians of his age. But as always, haters gonna hate no matter what it does. Some people, probably jealous, formed an internet café for the purpose of criticizing Tablo. They made futile efforts to prove that his degree was fraud, along with his other achievements. They wanted to take down his wife as well, even though it was just past honeymoon.

It must have been hard for Tablo, but especially for his wife. So this song is like an apology at the very bottom of his and her life.

“Every time you smile, I feel guilty. That smile could’ve been wider. You say everything’s ok, but I guess that’s what I just manage to give you. I wanted you to take my half, but not the half of my sorrows. I’m sorry that this roof of our house became your ceiling. I’m sorry that I am your umbrella and rain.”

Horrible translation, but this song would touch anyone who catches the context of apology and guiltiness.

.

<Airbag>

Airbag. How is it different from seatbelts? An airbag is a vehicle safety device. It consists of a flexible envelope designed to inflate rapidly during an automobile collision. Seatbelts secure the driver against harmful movements. But the two have some big differences.

Seatbelt is a strict and hard piece of cloth that secures, restricts the user’s movement for the user’s safety. Not only that, it is used quite often by drivers. Whenever the driver uses the brake is too abruptly, or the car behind slightly bumps, seatbelt is used.

But not airbags. One never sees airbags too often. Airbags activate only when a great impulse is done onto the driver. It is used when a big accident that shouldn’t happen is already occurring. It does not restrict; it lets the driver absorb the same impulse, only which it lets the driver take in such impact with slightly longer time.

Tablo uses this metaphor in his song Airbag to depict the sorrow he feels during his life. The song is a soliloquy of a man in a taxi cab after work. He observes the view outside the window along with the taxi driver.

The taxi driver is upset at a friend who refuses to drink with him. Ironically, the driver has put a photograph of his family on the car. The driver is obviously avoiding to go home. Then the speaker in the song raises a question. Why do men wander? Is it because there is no place to go? Or is it that there is no one to welcome them? I believe these questions would have incised Korean boys and men.

For boys, they would feel loneliness from circulating academies and schools. Surrounded by cut-throat competitive peers and demanding parents, they would feel there is no one to welcome them. Same for fathers. After a long day's work, his wife is sleeping, while the sons are busy studying. The loneliness is far greater than housewives who at least see their sons during the day. Very Korean emotions. And Tablo expresses it pretty well.

열꽃. I don't think there would be any other foreign language that has words particularly describing baby's measles by using the concepts of heat and flower. The word holds  connotation of a suffering of a very vulnerable person, like a child. Maybe Tablo wanted to express his sorrows of becoming a man with a family from a young adult.

Lyrics: ★★★★★
Beat: ★★★★★
Overall: ★★★★★

Reading Journal-One Thing in Common

One Thing in Common

From the very introductory part of this story, or the first thirty pages of the novel, the boys reveal their weaknesses. Unlike the average children of their age, they all bear wounds from their family. Their family members are all dysfunctional, and all of them seem to give bad influence towards the children, each and every one of them.

Gordie, who appears to be the main character of the novel, is a late born from his family. He has excessively old parents who don’t care for him, and a dead brother. His brother was a perfect son, who was tall, strong, smart, obedient, and warm. Because of his age and such characteristics, he overshadowed his brother. This is rather obviously portrayed when Gordie identifies himself with the Invisible Man.

Teddy is physically defected child with low intellectual abilities. The fact that his eyesight is bad is noticeable, but more important is that it is his father who fries Teddy’s ears and makes Teddy deaf. Teddy’s father is a respected social figure who “stormed the beach at Normandy”. Although he has such experiences, he shoots cats, lighting fire in mailboxes, and abuses his own son. The parental figure who should be a role model for his child not only is negligent, but is abusive towards his own child. Oddly, Teddy shows respect towards his father. This respect does not seem to be authentic. Although his intellectual capacity is limited, Teddy knows his life is miserable, and this can be proved by his habit. Teddy has a strange hobby of truck-dodging. It is facing a truck coming towards him and dodging it by few inches. He has bad eyesight, and Gordie narrates that it would be a matter of time of Teddy getting hit by the truck.

Chris is a typical result of a malfunctioning family. The description of his brother’s future shows what will become of Chris in the future as well. His father “beats the shit out of him”, and he is suspected for the theft of milk money. His arm and wrinkles are broken from his father’s violence.

It’s not yet clear what story Stephen King would make with these boys, but it seems clear that the peculiar similarity between the main characters would definitely relate to the plot of the story.

Explaining my metafiction-Window Glasses

It's extremely embarrassing to explain my own works, but I believe my meta fiction is very unclear and opaqre. What would be the meaning of creative writing if I fail to communicate with the readers? So I think it would be better off to cite some sources to avoid plagiarism, and explain the intent of writing such a long, boring and chaotic story.

Here are someworks that helped me write my metafiction (or maybe works that I misused) :

<Books>

Roland Barthes, Mythologies

Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption

John Story, An Introductory Guide to CULTRAL THEORY and POPULAR CULTURE

<Poems>

Youkyuong Lee, Chain of Thoughts in a Rainy Day

<Songs>

Tablo, Home



<Poems>
I used the expression of "melting glasses" after reading my peer's sonnet. I thought it was my expression, but come to think of it, it was from my good friend's poem. So that would be an answer for Mr. Garrioch's question of "Is this story original?". Half from her and half from me. I used the expression, and tried to develop it into a story, which seems comparatively poorer than the work of my friend's.

This is the original text of her sonnet.Chain of Thoughts in a Rainy Day

The windows in the house are melting down

Around the curtains weaved with drops of rain,

Which blurs creations shown in trickling pane,

Dissolving everything that’s in the town.

The fact that rains are cold is clear and plain:

The heat is what makes nature dripping hot;

The cold should make events that heat makes not.

So how rain melts things, I cannot explain.

Maybe the god who looks upon us lot,

Found out the world in such polluted state

That he himself with holy water great,

Is melting dirty skins with coldness hot.

But I am in my house with steaming tea,

Which cannot even melt the throat in me.

<Songs>

The metaphor of house and loneliness is what I took from the song above. I thought the expressions used in the lyrics of Tablo was excellent, so I dared to use the metaphor. The part where he compares other's thoughts and expectations as piled newspapers and mails perceived to me as the punchline of the whole song. You can play it if you want to. It really is a good song.  

In overall, I tried to describe sadness and loneliness as the protagonist's home, and window as a part of the house and a potential passage outside as well. If the rain comes and the window melts down, the protagonist would be free from his house and would take a walk outside.

Metafiction-Window Paine

Window Glasses

"Window glasses cry every night it rains. Trickling water-drops soak the windowsill while the glass melts down. The transparent being covers itself by moist; it's always cold when window glasses cry. The window keeps me safe and isolated at the same time in my house from the outside world. Window is the lens I see through, it is a part of my doorless home. Part of my home. Although I'm cringing in the blankets on my bed, I can still feel my limbs hardening from low temperature. The thoughts of her keep pulling under. I wish the bed can sink my body into the mattress.

The clock strikes three. I’m still in pain as blunt as blue bruises. My brain is pounding like others’ heart, when mine stays still. I got out of bed. I faced myself outside the window. Although transparent, it was wet with rain trickling down the glass."

Definitely unsatisfied, I put down my pen and stared blankly out the window. The sky was cloudless, filled with dust-scent nostalgia. Children were running through the dirty, dry  asphalt trail, stuffed with garbage. The children were shouting incomprehensible words. I did not understand their shoutings.

I frequently smell memories, and the scent drifts me away to a specific point of time of perceiving a similar scent. Today, what I was smelling until now was dusty playground and a lonely child, so it was impossible for me in the first place to write about melting window glasses.

“Have you ever experienced an icy yet sunny day? It is a winter day when cold wind blows but sun blazes right behind your head. I was the only black-haired in my class, instead of whitish-yellow. The color black absorbs more sunlight than whitish yellow…How cold it is within the hearts! While it scorches on the head, the body shivers! And the scent of sand and dust blundering unwashed clothes and skin…disgustingly beautiful.”

I never expect others to understand my affection on scent. Any and all smell is fragrant to me. They have stories within. My stories. Each and every one of them is unique. I stop think of the day when I had to cross the dusty, empty playground in unwashed school uniforms, while nose runny and grains of sand dancing in my mouth. It was a sad day. I expected no one in home and no one beside to walk home with. The sunset was irritating as well. The smell of sunset with a pinch of sand from an empty playground is the most depressing smell one can imagine. Yet I love the strong impulse it gives to my stomach. Sad scents pulls me under.

Thinking of those, I got nostalgic. The scent of sadness may be the color of sunset, dark yellow, while the scent of nostalgia that comes right after sadness is……sky blue. But this sky blue is different from what we congregate usually with that color. It’s darker with a shade of blue, and it makes me feel the scent will go on endlessly. Despite the feeling, I already know that this will go off right after the moment I swallow the apple juice right beside my hand.

The artificial sweetener scratches my throat while it feels my nasal skin with the scent of powdered cherries. They are fiery and juvenile, somewhat green-handed in satisfaction. Although I do not go along with his sexual preferences, I believe my affectation towards all scents is similar to what Humbert felt towards his nymphs. "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins…” They are what I exactly think of my memories associated with fragrances.

Apple juice made the playground distant, far far away. I felt more of writing about window glasses. The monsoon period makes sunny weather cloudy. Clouds are harbingers of cappuccino and melting glasses. Children stopped running. They seemed to look up at the ominous clouds swarming over their heads. Worried shouts. Although I cannot distinguish what words they use, I can sense their tone of voices. This time, it is apprehensiveness. Maybe words aren’t important. Maybe the primary messages signified by the words aren’t important as well. Maybe, maybe there might be a secondary process behind the words. A social yet nonverbal, poetic and lyrical transaction that makes communication truly possible. Words tell nothing. The context does. The smell of words, maybe the words are unimportant, nothing but flesh, while the smell or the social message conveyed is the true essence of communication.

“I read from somewhere about communicating between two individuals. It said language is like a cup yet filled with water. Whenever I knew you were thirsty, I poured my water into a cup. I gave the cup of water to you. You should have drunk the water, but not the cup. But should that have meant that the cup is unimportant? I knew not the answer before. But I know now. They are equivalent. I tried to deliver the water, the warmest of all, through a disfigured, porous cup. Whenever I filled the ugly cup with warm water, what you held in your hands was an ugly cup without the water. My messages were meant for you every time, but they weren’t signified. I hope you’re able to drink this water now.”

Now it’s raining. Somehow children’s intuitions are always accurate. Window glasses melt even now. But these days it rains less. The glasses melt less. Someday when my window glass fully melts down, I will take a walk outside. Along the non-arid, quenched asphalt road, I shall gaze upon the garbage flowing downtown, absent from the trail that I walk on. Only if, only if it rains enough to melt down my window glasses.

“Why do I sink even into the shallowest wounds? It’s always dizzy when I step over the threshold. The line that I feel comfortable. It is to protect myself from others. Let the mails and newspaper from them pile up untouched before my door. I prefer the usual depression than unfamiliar happiness. Let me breathe. This is my home. Leave me alone.”

Fragrance recalls memories. Memories recall emotions. Emotions convey the context of those incidents. The context relates those impressions to my present state. Memories vary, but my emotion doesn’t. They have been consistent throughout my life. The meaning of our words stay unfixed if let alone; but the context of saying it, the memories, makes them lively, making the communication and sympathizing possible.

Window, part of my home, starts to melt down again. When will it disappear? On a rainy day, I might be able to walk freely down the moist trail.... Only if...

"you visit my loneliness of blue walls and dusty floor along with your apple hair"

Response to Kim Ki Duk's movie

Two herbs may look alike, but one can save people, while another can kill. The movie shows of how same hands of a person can both save and kill another life.

As a young boy, I used to make cynical remarks at others or make them look funny by pointing out mistakes. When my classmates made a mistake on drawings, I used to tease them about how it looked absurd. When my friends raised their opinions, I used to criticize them as harshly as I could. Especially during my middle school years, I learned debating earlier than other kids; and that made me more cynical and arrogant. To be frank, while doing so, I felt strong. Even though I was no better than my peers, they restrained from saying their opinions in front of me, and I liked how my friends followed what I insisted. For me at that time, it was my way or the high way.

However, there was one place that I could not enact in such wrongdoings. It was my home. My father was an extremely authoritarian man; and he used to make hurting comments directed to me in general. There were no exceptions within the family; everyone was subjected to his harsh remarks, and I was not the only one afraid of it.

Once I realized how my way of speaking was identical with my father’s, I started not to speak. I opened my lips only when it was necessary. Instead of speaking so much, I shut my mouth to every conversation that I was supposed to be in. I listened to what others said, followed to what others insisted. I almost always nodded to other’s opinions and followed whatever it was. A year passed. I thought I made much improvement from a person twelve months ago.

But I was wrong.

Instead of hurting others with my tongue, during the year, I had been hurting myself by not saying what I had to say. I became to have difficulties in having personal conversations with other people, or make frequent eye contacts whenever engaging in conversations. I have become a “docile body”, kind and obeying, yet dependent and juvenile.

From the moment I had my second acknowledgement, I started to speak again. Of course, I tried not to make harsh remarks or be cynical. I wanted neither others to be hurt as my friends were in past nor as I was in a more distant past. Although I still had hard time making eye contacts when talking or engaging in friendly, personal conversations, I begin to speak again, in a manner that ordinary people would.

It took me some time to realize the simple fact. Two kinds of similar herbs, but it make two distinct results on other lives. Two types of talking, two distinct influence on others. I wouldn’t be able to forget this for a long time, maybe until the last day of my life.

Window glasses

Window glasses cry every night it rains. Trickling water-drops soak the windowsill while the glass melts down in cold fury. The transparent being covers itself by moist; it's always cold when window glasses cry. Although I'm cringing in the blankets on my bed, I can still feel my limbs hardening from low temperature. The thoughts of the day after tomorrow keep pulling under. I wish the bed can sink my body into the mattress.

The clock strikes three. I’m still in pain as blunt as blue bruises. My brain is pounding like others’ heart, when mine stays still. I got out of bed. I faced myself outside the window. Although transparent, it was wet with rain trickling down the glass.

Reluctant, I sat on the bed, by putting my feet on the floor. Facing the floor, I thought of the big and small mirrors around the room. They must reflect the wet and moist glass on the window. They must thus become wet and moist, just like myself.

Sir Ken Robinson's Misconception

Jumping to Conclusions

            I wonder if Sir Ken Robinson, a respected intellectual in the fields of education ever received school education, which he claims to be so detrimental for the creativity of children. Even we set aside the underlying assumption that creativity is the utmost important value for education, his interpretation and arguments are vulnerable to numerous doubts. He fails to accurately analyze the characteristics of schools, explaining the hierarchy of subjects, and doubts on epiphanies of children in general.

             Sir Ken Robinson points out mistakes should be generously accepted in case of children for the sake of their development, hence "we are educating them out of creativity" from "School kills Creativity". He argues that since school in the status quo fails to do so, school kills creativity. This is not true. National education system does not always work in a way that thinks mistakes as worst mistakes. There are free response questions or document based questions even in the standardized tests. Not only that, in case of France, students are all required writing essays about philosophy and various subjects. United States also encourage group discussion and presentation in schools as well. Even if there are such issues to a certain extent in the status quo, it could be modified to fit the original purpose.

             Because such flaws can be fixed, Ken Robinson is making an exaggeration when he leads this argument to the conclusion that school “kills” creativity. If Sir Ken Robinson were to argue that non-acceptance of mistakes by schools is a proof to school killing creativity, he should have proved of how this non-acceptance is an inherent trait of schools in general, or schools that he wish to discuss about. It would be possible to make a premise that school had killed creativity of students, but it would require more elaboration to state school “kills” creativity.

             Not only that, Ken Robinson seems to have a misconception regarding the idea in the hierarchy of academic subjects that the school deals with. He seems to believe that since Math has most class hours a week, it is at the highest position above other subjects. He claims that such phenomenon occurs because Math subject is the most popularly used when children grow up and make money. According to Ken Robinson, children learn math because math is most needed in industrialism.

             Is this true? Do lawyers use pole coordinates to create a strong case? Do newspaper editors decide which article to post by using trigonometry? Rather, it can be said that Math is taught frequently because it is related to increasing student’s logic, and essentially related for advanced studies for many other areas such as social science or natural science. However, since such contents are challenging and time-exhausting. Mathematics is not superior to other subjects; but there are many other factors such as its relativity to other subjects on the reason it has most lengthy hours. Amount of hours cannot be a foundation of concluding the school putting hierarchy between subjects and therefore restricting student’s choice on what to study. Rather, it is increasing the capability for students on choosing which subjects to study on. It widens the option in choosing, because many subjects require basic mathematical skills for advanced studies.

             The biggest assumption that Ken Robinson makes is the claim that every single child has his or her talents. First of all, it has never been proved throughout the lecture of what talents exactly are and how it is existent for all individuals. Because if there aren’t, the current system that gives balanced education on various fields can actually be more helpful. Not only that, even if we concede that children have talent, whatever it is, it can be shown latter time in life. It would be irresponsible to make students choose which subject to concentrate on when they don’t even know what kind of studies are out there. His example of Gillian is not only outdated but also exceptional. Children finding their talents in such young age and finding correctly is a rare case. Until then, children should first know what are out there before deciding which to put all effort on, unlike what Ken Robinson suggests so. Ken Robinson’s request can kill creativity in another sense.

             The purpose of national school system is obtaining knowledge, but more important aspect of it is introducing subjects to the young minds. They learn what social science is, and what a person can do with the study. They acknowledge of what math is like, taking a slight overlook. Compiling substantially professional knowledge through national school system is not the purpose in the first place.

             It is ironical to see a former professor who finished national schooling making lectures on how school kills creativity. Ken Robinson himself is a living counter-example of his lecture. Not only himself, there are many counter-examples around the globe. Also, Sir Robinson makes assumptions and hasty generalizations trying to lead to the conclusion that school kills creativity. It seems that schools can certainly encourage creativity, and had constructed the society until now since enlightenment.